GREEN ZEBRAS and OTHER JUICY THINGS by Nadia Giordana

From Dayton, Minnesota

Green Zebras and Other Juicy Things
By Nadia Giordana

Attention all gardeners—special report:

Good morning. We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Early last evening, the Heirloom Tomato Special Forces were alerted to a situation happening at a residence in the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota. The address is otherwise known as The Green Zebra Tomato Orphanage and Adoption Agency. A woman at that location was taken into custody for questioning after several dozen baby green zebra tomato plants were discovered dead and dying in a makeshift greenhouse.
Ms. Nadia Giordana, the woman in question (who seemed confused), could offer no explanation as to the cause other than to say, “Maybe they got too hot, maybe they got too cold, maybe the fertilizer solution was too strong. They were just fine when I looked in on them Sunday night. I only left them alone for two days!”

We understand that all but one of the baby green zebra plants are in critical condition and have been moved to a window care unit at the orphanage. They are not expected to live through the week. The one plant that was too tall for the greenhouse was not with the others when they fell ill. It remains strong and vigorous. Ms. Giordana said she will use it to seed future generations of green zebra tomatoes, God willing.
Ms. Giordana is not expected to be charged with a crime, and when asked if she had a final comment, she said, “I loved them! I never meant to hurt them.”

The preceding was a special report from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Heirloom Tomatoes. We conclude this report with the words, “Oh well, there’s always next year.”